Antidepressants

Most people wouldn’t understand the feeling

Sometimes I wonder if I am normal. There are plenty of times where I look myself in the mirror and I feel puzzled. I want to believe that my ambitions can take me somewhere great, but I still see someone who is young, and has a lot of things to learn and accept.

My face can tell a thousand stories. Some of them are short, while others are too long to even tell. I am confident enough to stare at myself because I see a human being, or at least, an illusion of one.

I try not to show what I am feeling or what I am thinking. I like to show what my heart is capable of instead because my misery does not benefit me or anyone else. Some people do not know how demeaning it is to swallow pills every morning.

This sickness makes me feel awful. People say that my imbalance is dangerous. They say that it could lead to me self-destructing. Without those lovely, magical drugs, I would be nothing.

When I do not have my drugs, I am an ugly person since I lose control easier. My increased sense of anger can cause me to say or do idiotic things that I regret soon after. I am less patient with people and worry less about flames bursting out of my mouth.

I take showers less and can stay in my room all day. I barely get the urge to go outside. My motivation plummets and I must live with ballistic anxiety. I can easily become that ugly person again at any moment and that is scary.

My social anxiety worsens especially. It feels like a spider is crawling up my skin every time I am around associates or strangers. My heart starts to beat faster and I feel a burning or itchy sensation spread throughout my body. My face transforms into a hot stove.

When I am low on supply, I panic. It feels like everything that I worked hard for is about to crash.

Who am I?

I cannot think properly when I take my drugs without food. It feels like my brain fluids drain. They urge me to vomit half of the time. My stomach would feel empty and start to growl. It can also make me feel sluggish and full. Sometimes I gag immediately.

Other times a bunch of nerves overcome my body. I guess that all the anxiety that I would have during the day eliminates itself in that moment.

Do these things help or change me?

I do not know. I am starting to think that I never knew myself. I thought I did.

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