What I gained when I let go

I had I big shift in my life recently, and I felt it was coming. I’ve had a private practice in Massage Therapy for almost seven years and I closed it at the end of 2017 to focus on a new path. My practice was my baby that I lovingly doted on, day in and day out. It/she was my rock during my divorce. I put so much time and effort into her development. My ego obviously had the hardest time letting it go. My pride, who would I be if I no longer had a practice? What will happen next?? I’m a planner. Or maybe I should say my ego likes to anticipate the next move to strategize my survival. If I were to let go of my practice, it would have to be the right situation. The next plan better be pretty freaking cool and worth the sacrifice.

About two years ago, I had a vision at the end of a massage session. In a flash, I saw myself in vast prairie type land. It was a warm and sunny day, the landscape had beautiful rolling hills as far as the eye could see. I was the only one around, but that didn’t seem to bother me. Below, was a black paved road that abruptly ended just past my feet. It continued as gravel far into the distance. What was notable, was the strong sense of competition. Then it was over. I was back in my massage room. For the next year and half I asked myself “What completed?” And “What is coming?” That vision happened shortly before I left for a two month trip abroad. That trip in its self was a huge lesson. I’ve never taken that much time off from my practice before. I had to trust myself in a whole new way. I had no idea at the time what was in store.

There was a honeymoon type surge of creativity when I got back from my trip. However, my practice is familiar and comfortable. Eventually, I let go of my crazy ideas and went back to the routine I loved. At one point I did get set up to employ other Therapists at my office, but it just didn’t feel right. I sensed I needed a new challenge. Either I expand my business somehow, or close to do something else. The later seemed highly unlikely. I was not sure what direction to take, but as always, eventually I got my answer. Sufficed to say, a few months later, a sequence of events happened. I replied to an alumni email about a teaching assistant position. I ended up assisting for one quarter. I had no idea I would love it so much. The following quarter I started teaching muscles, anatomy and kinesiology, level one and two. Around the same time I connected with a friend who recently expanded her practice to take on employees. With the idea of becoming an employee there, I received another vision of a giant jumbo jet coming down for a soft landing. These changes felt good. This felt right. This was the confirmation feeling I had been waiting for. Between October and December 2017, I was basically working six to seven days a week between teaching, preparing for classes, managing my practice and working for my friend at her practice. In that time period I felt like I was a train that went into a tunnel. I just have to keep moving and I’ll see the light of day eventually, and I did.

After the new year, the dust had settled from all of my busy work. My mind and body were exhausted. I was able to rest an adjust to my new schedule. Then came the waves of grief. Fortunately, I had been preemptively processing my feelings in the prior months, so it was not a catastrophic loss. I took pride in what I had developed over the years. Luckily my ego wasn’t overly identified with it. Though I gave up something huge of myself, I feel like I received much more than I ever thought possible. There comes a point in transitions where you have to totally dissolve in order to be put back together in a new way; in order to live your new direction. I think about the Goddess Kali or the Phoenix and their power of destruction and creation from destruction. Even the medicine of the caterpillar, who wraps up in a cocoon and morphs in the chrysalis that eventually will become a butterfly.

While I had my practice, I knew I had boundary issues. Personally, I have worked through some codependency issues that my divorce brought to light. I realized that I readily take on the responsibility for other people. Outside of my practice, I thought I had this handled. It seems so obvious now, but it never occurred to me that I did the same with my practice. There is this notion with Massage Therapists, that we don’t “fix”. However, some clients come in and they want you to do exactly that. Typically people have realistic expectations of a session, but sometimes it feels like they suggest, “Correct all the poor posture of the past decade for me…in sixty minutes or less. Thanks.” I felt as a practice owner, my client’s overall rate and speed of rehabilitation from their discomfort, is a direct reflection of my ability. The truth is, yes and no. Yes, I can be of assistance to help in the process. Yet no, because realistically, I just help them for an hour a week. Maybe once a month and I can only do so much. I seemed to have established healthier boundaries for myself. I still care as much as I did before. However, now I do not feel the burden and over responsibility for others. Or at least I am more aware of that boundary for myself. Because I do not have the managerial responsibilities of my practice, I feel I have more to give to my clients, but in a healthy way. Speaking of which, looking back, I was not very gentle on myself. I would work long shifts with few breaks and felt pretty exhausted afterwards. I now have more of an understanding that I need down time and to not run myself so ragged.

My practice was the best of both worlds for me. I could use my right brain for massage and my left brain for the bookkeeping and medical billing. It was a good fit for quite some time. For most people, their practice is their opportunity for autonomy. I loved the independence and the challenge of growing something of my own. I wasn’t aware of how caught up I was with all the daily tasks of billing, bookkeeping, linens, etc. I didn’t have time or the mental space for free thinking. I have curiosity now. This may sound silly but I was actually saddened sometimes due to the lack of curiosity I had for life, but I didn’t know how to change that. Now I’m having some really lovely conversations with people. I’m genuinely curious about them and I’m curious about how things work. That has yielded even more creativity. Like a positive cycle that compounds, rather than a downward spiral.

Lastly, by letting go I feel I have opened myself to a shift in energy. The thing about running a practice is its rather male-centric energy. Do this, do that, manage this, sell that, and make a profit. Male energy is about fighting, and force, hard work, building, and management. Which is great for some things and is essential in some tasks. I didn’t have a balance between masculine and feminine energy. Letting go allowed me time to reset and shift towards more feminine energy of stillness, creativity, receiving, nurturing, and listening. The balance comes from the feminine aspect of being able to receive more inspiration or intuition and then male energy helps put those ideas into action. When these energies are in balance, it is similar to a helix or a Yin and Yang symbol. I’ve been able to listen to by body in ways I haven’t before. I’m receiving an abundance of creativity and an openness and softness to opportunities. This feminine energy is also giving me grace, courage, and fluidity when addressing old emotional patterns of insecurity. I’ll feel a negative voice say, “Who do you think you are, thinking you can teach.” Eventually a calm and gentle, or sometimes necessarily sassy, voice counteracts to help me blaze forth in this new direction of mine. It will take some time to integrate these lessons. Who knows where the road will go from here. I trust myself to follow my path and that is all that matters.

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